not for all north carolina

16Dec09

Attempts to detox from last night were unsuccessful. Why does the will to resist disappear so handily?

Tonight was the first time I ever heard the phrase “acid babysitter.” I already like my temporary roommate.


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mama m’a dit

14Dec09

« J’ai repensé à toutes les filles que j’avais connues, avec qui j’avais couchées ou même que j’avais seulement désirées. Je me suis dit qu’elles étaient comme des poupées russes. On passe sa vie entière à jouer à ce jeu. On est curieux de savoir qui sera la dernière, la toute petite qui était cachée depuis le début. On ne peut pas l’attraper directement, on est obligé de suivre le cheminement. Faut les ouvrir l’une après l’autre en se demandant à chaque fois « est-ce que c’est elle la dernière ? » – Xavier dans Les poupées russes

J’avais pensé que je pouvais le faire sans suivre le cheminement, que je l’ai trouvée au début. Quel erreur ! Et pour sa part, elle a cru aussi qu’elle a trouvé sa petite poupée. Est-ce que tout le monde agit comme nous ? Quand on est jeune, on croit à l’amour éternel avec la première, ou bien avec le deuxième. Peut-être si on est indien.

L’amour, c’est un jeu pour les gens qui ont le temps et la patience.


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09Dec09

I dreamed about a greasy smiling face. It was wonderful.


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It begins!

09Dec09

Around 4:50.


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do you ever…

07Dec09

Wake up really hungry and wish you could eat breakfast?
Choke down half a bowl of oatmeal?
Lie awake at night and wish you could sleep?
Wake up at 5 and wish you could go back to sleep?
Wish you didn’t have to write things you’re clearly unqualified to write?
Wish for a silver bullet and a panacaea that would make all your problems and the world’s problems go away?
Wish you had discovered World Development Indicators a long time ago?
Wish UT libraries would load faster?

This post brought to you by amphetamine and dextroamphetamine. Thank you very much.


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more people should say this to me

06Dec09

“It’s hard for me to tell what you do and don’t look good in because you look stunning in everything.” – from a long time ago, I wrote it down


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on flowers

03Dec09

Two nights ago, I read a “This I Believe” essay by a girl whose brother was killed in California gang warfare. She defines herself as the sister of Rogelio Bautista, and she believes that everyone deserves flowers on their grave.

It brought to mind the note I put in my brother’s casket before we laid him to rest. Probably more the result of agonized disbelief and despair than a desire to leave something poetic for David, it read something like “I have two brothers, even if I have to tell people I have one.” It’s probably well on its way to disintegration by now, along with everything else in the ground there, topped by a small headstone and fake plastic flowers.

I don’t know how often anyone goes there to visit his grave. I, for one, have lived too far away for a long time, and even when I was there, I didn’t go. And if anyone goes there, they don’t bother to tell me. It’s like my Granddad’s grave in Tennessee. We used to visit when I was little, but when Gran moved away from Norris, we stopped going. Who puts flowers on his grave now?

It also recently occurred to me to get David a Christmas gift. What to get? What would he have wanted at 25? Would he still be obsessed with chemistry and mathematics? As for the gift, it would have to be something small that wouldn’t blow away or be too damaged by the elements. And it couldn’t be too valuable, otherwise it might be stolen. That eliminates a lot of things, I guess. Would he like something that says Texas? Or something that says Clemson?

As for flowers, it’s winter. They shrivel up, get frozen over. Rot. Why bring them?

I am still the sister of David Edward Kaplan, and I want to put flowers on his grave. I stop myself from asking other people to do it for me. Because if I can’t even go there when I live there, why should I ask someone else to make at least two trips—once to put the flowers there, and once to clean up the rotting mess?

It’s been 4 and a half years. Maybe one day I’ll be mature enough to do something about my desire to be a good sister and quit complaining.


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security at the airport

01Dec09

All airports other than Austin make me want to cry. In the Austin airport, I forgot to take my liquid baggie out of my bag and no one even asked me about it. In Knoxville, however, I forgot I had a bottle of water with me, and not only did I get specially screened, I had to go to the back of the line and take my shoes and jacket and scarf off again. I asked the guy initially screening me if I could just drink the water on the spot and be on my merry way, and he said he wished he could let me do that. (You could have.)

This appears to be a beautiful example of process replacing thinking. Ask anyone with a brain who works at the Site what they think about process, and they will tell you the same thing. As long as you have protocol, you don’t have to think about what you’re doing. Take the top off the bottle, smell it, allow me to drink it, and forget about it. I mean, if the liquid’s in my body, how is it going to explode a plane?

If I say I sense murder in my future, do you think security will pick up on it and send me to the back of the line?


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a partial listing

19Nov09

After yesterday’s fiasco, I was thinking maybe I’d make a partial derivative list of my most memorable bike crashes. I realize other people have more and worse stories, but they don’t blog it. Therefore, I win. (These all ended in blood, a hospital, or replacement parts. I’m not counting the times I’ve fallen because of my shoes/pedals.)

1. While in high school, I vaguely remember trying to ride at night without feet or hands and crashing spectacularly. Chris Glenn may be able to back this up. I sort of remember being with him at the time.

2. The next three were in Germany. Once, being late to class, I took a corner too fast and ran into a wall. I scraped my forearm from wrist to elbow and got bloody knuckles.

3. Vodka. That’s pretty much all the explanation you need, and pretty much all I remember.

4. Ice. Cycling on it is dangerous.

5. Somewhere on the back roads near Clemson, I was drafting a cycling team member on a windy day and sort of ran into his back wheel. I flew. That cost me a new wheel and fork.

6. We all remember the car accident in Austin. Most Expensive Crash Award.

7. And most recently, lost my balance and ended up with the lovely bloody elbow you see below.

Should I be riding bikes? Seriously, in eleven years of gymnastics, I remember crashing, with a blood or hospital result, only three times. If I count all the sprained ankles, rips, and straddled beams, maybe the number would be more appropriate, but I just don’t remember how many there were. The average rate of serious injury with bicycles is much higher.


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one day…

18Nov09

…I will make it through an entire ride without crashing.

Oh it’s cool, I just fell on some rocks.

This happened after we got lost.

At least we parked next to Performance Bicycle. They fixed me right up. Just needs some superglue.

Also maybe I will resize my photos before I post them.


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